For the world is hollow

Sometimes,
often,
as reoccurring notion,
it seems to me the world is hollow,
not in a material way,
but the absolute depriviation of purpose,
and an absolute emptyness takes over my heart.

Can one enjoy something,
whilst fearing, whilst knowing it’s going to end?
Isn’t that fear often responsible for this end in the first place?

On the other side,
why is it,
that when chosing a path that will and must ultimately result in pain or failure,
that seems to be doomed from the start,
that shows it’s obstacles so clearly,
I still keep going down that path,
trying to indulge in the little good that may come from it,
just because my feelings tell me to do so?

Why is doing the right thing so boring,
for the outcome is predictable,
and why is doing the opposite so fulfilling,
despite the trouble, pain and grief caused by it,
only because the unknown outcome promises suspense?

Why do I keep disappointing people that have high hopes in me,
before I can satisfy them,
whilst being able to do anything for those who don’t care anyway.

Why am I good at things,
and still lack the ability to exploit that talents?

Is it truly so,
that I have to battle for life,
to feel alive?

Is causing or getting into trouble
and then trying to survive
my only driving force?

Sometimes,
often,
as reoccurring notion,
it seems to me that I am hollow,
not in a literal way,
but the absolute depriviation of purpose,
and an absolute emptyness takes over my heart.

As I write this, the moons light is plotted out by the earths shadow for some hours,
a total eclipse of the moon,
at a very special date for me personaly,
which is yet again proof that

IT’S ALL JUST ONE BIG FUCKING JOKE !!

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