At War with Death – R.I.P. Viola

Once again,
deaths ugly face was looming over someone close to me,
his foul stench sending shivers down my spine,
his vicinity making my entrails cramp up
and sending wave after wave of fear through my soul.

Once again, death struck without remorse,
taking the life of a 26 year old girl.
His shadow was cast over her life for 10 years,
He lured her in,
making it impossible for her to fight against him,
making her afraid of a long and hard way to recovery
with no certainity of success,
not granting her a great enough reason to live,
to overcome his cold and iron grip.

On December the 27th 2008 my cousin
VIOLA NICOLE HACKERMUELLER died.

On December the 27th 2008 my cousin
VIOLA NICOLE HACKERMUELLER,
my greatest ally in this generation of my family
after my sister died,
a kindred soul,
a soul way to young,
finally perished after weeks in coma.

So I try to face reality,
with yet another dear relative and friend gone,
and I have to ask myself

could she have beeen forced to fight?
can she have been forced to live?
Was the decision up to her?
Was she able to make the decision herself?
Was her mind free enough of pain and fear,
to truly see what was ahead of her?
Was she only lacking the trust in herself to get better on her own free will?

and more thoughts keep echoing through my head:

Can I help, what I don’t understand?
can I interfere,
judging only on basis of the little I know?
What if any step I take to help
worsens the situation because I didn’t assess it right?

What remains is a deep and agonising feeling of being powerless,
being empty,
being cheated and robbed by a greater power,
being left back alone…

I dread letting my grief take over,
I dread letting the tears flow,
because I would not be sure how to stop them again,
how to dig myself out of the deep black hole
that the pain seems to be digging for me.

I dread letting the image of her dead body
on a hospital bed rise to my mind,
ready to pull me down and away in a spiral of sorrow
that might know no escaping.

And still i will have to confront these emotions,
learn to embrace them,
deal with them,
for I cannot afford to suppress them,
to be haunted by them for years like it was
after Levin’s and my sisters death,
when those feelings snatched me from behind,
almost making my own survival an uncertainty.

I want to cry, I want to weep,
I want to scream in anger and despair,
I want to be held tight,
I want my head and hair to be stroked,
while being whisperd to:

“Let it flow,
it’s all good,
let the pain rise and flow through you.
Let it flow,
and don’t be afraid,
because you will live,
don’t be afraid.”

On January 9th 2009,
we buried Violas young body,
and with that the hopes and dreams of her family and friends,
but not the love and affection shared for her.

REST IN EVERLASTING PEACE VIOLA

why couldn’t you see,
in the end
IT WAS ALL JUST ONE BIG FUCKING JOKE
and in this case, TRULY A JOKE TO CHOKE ON


Viola Nicole Hackermueller, *4.12.1982 – †27.12.2008

P.S.: I wish I could hate you for leaving me alone…but I can not.

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