Dear Roland!

Do you remember the olden times?
I was 14 or 15, you where 5 years older…
We used to live in the same appartment complex.

You where just my 2nd degree cousin
but for me you where the big brother at that time,
the brother I so desperately longed for…

You where a gifted one,
a great painter and graphic artist,
a beautiful, tall and sportive guy,
a real ladies man
and everybody only had the highest hopes for and expectations in you.

Maybe thats why it all went wrong…

You where already heavy into drinkin,
and as a good and proud little brother I joined you.

I used to leave for school around 7,
but hid near my house where I could see when my mother left for work,
then we met, went to the supermarket, bought our first 2 litres of wine,
and sat at my moms place drinkin…
around noon we got the next bottles of wine
and usually passed out drunk sometime in the afternoon…
Before mom came home, we got up again,
scored some liquor and where off to the nearby woods
to continue drinking, and drinkin, and drinking……

After mom went to bed, I got home,
tryin not to wake her, so she wouldn’t see the state i was in.

It went like that for about 2 years,
till I woke up puking everyday,
till I had dropped out of school cause i haven’t been there enough anyway.

I realised then, this would kill me sooner or later,
so I tried to keep away from you….

I found a girl,
stopped drinking,
avoided contact with you..

I wasn’t strong enough to keep you from going on,
and i didn’t want to drown in your downward spiral…

I think over the last 20 years, I only saw you a cpl of times,
you where always drunk, it was always an akward feeling to see you…

Last tuesday you died,
your inner organs quit on you,
like me and so many people who loved you,
but didn’t have the power to help.

You where a gifted one my friend
I don’t feel guilty for deserting you as a reflex of self preservation,
but I am terribly and deeply sorry I was in no position to help you…

I missed you those last years,
and I will always miss you

I love you

Patsy

P.s.: Hard to still believe it might all be just one big fucking joke !!

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