For those of you who know me personally,  you might know how turbulent those last weeks have been for me.

I have made a lot of choices in these times, and I can’t say everybody was too happy about them. But hell, I am so damn sure my choices were and still are right, even if they cost me much pain. I am still standing up for what I believe, I still love the people I love, still honor the friends I have even when they are disappointed by me or even feel betrayed or simply can’t understand what I am doing. But I do what I do because I want to survive, not to be understood or applauded.

I am proud that none of the choices I made was giving up or running away.
I am still standing. Lots more of choices are coming up. I started changing my life exactly one year ago, and at this moment, the most important decisions are to be made.

Some of these choices are already made and just need to be exectuted, others present themselves in their most promising and seductive gowns….

Whatever will come, only in weak moments I doubt that what will come will be good.  But I work hard to keep my mind centered. I am in control of my fate, and I am in control of what I make of it. I love life, joy or pain, and I love, that is a choice I don’t have to make.

I am a child of Dark Stars, and I will survive, and I will have the last laugh because I know,

IT’S ALL JUST ONE BIG FUCKING JOKE !!

It’s your choices,
that decide your fate,
not the other way around.

Even when life challenges you
with unbearable facts,
it’s what you make of it
that decides your future…

…to be continued, if I choose to…

Ever since I regained consciousness,
after the constant brainwashing of childhood and early adolescence,
after years of being trained in the art of being a valuable member of society,
after the terrible but seemingly necessary loss of  the newborns innocence
that is based on lack of knowledge and experience,
after starting to compare what was going on to
what I had learned that should be,
and realising it wasn’t at all like that,
after learning I had to obey rules, and seeing that mostly those,
who broke those rules were achieving success,
after learning that running with the pack could be your undoing,
especially if you were the slowest or the weakest
and thus the natural prey of the hunter
after experiencing that  running without the pack could be your undoing,
because then the pack was hunting you or if you were lucky,
only kept you from a metaphorical food source,
after I was beginning to see, that there was no natural place for me
in the greater order of things and I had to create a place for myself,
when i  concieved the fact, that being sensitive
and the indulgement of  emotions were only good for love movies,
but out there still the roughest and toughest prevailed,
after a million little moments of painful realisation,
of feeling left out, stranded, abandoned, missunderstood,
belittled, patronized, fooled, tricked, cheated, etc,..
after endless nights alone, endless days spent in thoughts.

Ever since then, I had this feeling in the back of my head.
this feeling, that my conscious  mind was a cage,
that my ego was a restraining chain to my mind,
clouding judgement with personal issues,
and ever since then i had the urge to flip the switch,
to pluck the plug of sanity,
to pass the boundries of trained behavior.

I am well aware, that this step would leave my body without protection,
unable to feed itself, become a hull without use,
to be cared for by others all my life,
and or ultimately die to follow my mind into infinity.

But still, the feeling remains.
The urge, the need to let go.

My greatest weakness is the  addiction to strong and powerful feelings,
I am addicted to loving, and by that addicted to pain.
Gladly, I decided early on, anger was not satisfying,
it tastes bitter, by that spoiling everything,
and even rage is  a strong but cold emotion,
that cannot satisfy my lust for sweetness and warmth.

Ever so often, my soul feels like burning up,
my heart starts to race,
tears and sweat mingle as they run down my face.
I then feel the pressure like a million tons was weighing down on my chest,
trying to keep me from breathing,

Ever so often my need to love and be loved leaves me cold in the dark,
alone and disappointed by my own exaggerated expectations,
that naturaly nobody will be able to fulfill.
Nobody can, because it’s virtually impossible.
I am insatiable.

Whenever i smell sympathy, I want love and I want to love,
when i get to love or get loved, I want admiration and to admire,
it just never stops, and from a certain point on,
everytime the love gets drowned by pain,
because my lust for more becomes unbearable,
unrealizable,
unreal.

And as my expectations in love often seem to be exaggerated,
as a dreamer, a hopefull person with passion for his goals,
as a compassionate and empathic friend,
as believer that man still is ultimately good inside,
disappointment all to often crosses my path.

And with disappointment,
love and hope flee, and are replaced by pain.
Sweet sweet pain.
And with the pain comes the lust to replace the pain with excess,
excessive drinking, usage of drugs,
depriviation of sleep and food, and by that,
the pain is not replaced, but manifested,
projected from my soul onto my body.
It’s a passive form of self destruction,
hidden behind party behavior,
a futile attempt to hide my emptyness.

Active self destruction or mutilation like cutting myself
might be tempting sometimes,
but doing that I would have to concede to the fact
of being closer to insanity than I like.

But still, there is this feeling.
Like a voice in my head saying:

„Let go, let go.
Your personality is the cause of your pain,
Your ego the surface, that gets wounded,
the body connected to it,
a prison to your dreams.
Let go, let go,
throw off rationalities restraints,
open the mind to the flow of the universe,
unite imagination and reality,
feel everything at once…
Just let go, just let go
forget what you have been,
forget what you have learned,
forget what is good or bad,
normal or not,
moral codes are man made
and will not apply.”

Sweet Insanity.
Total freedom.
I can feel it in the back of my head,
I can hear it call my name.

„Let go” it says, „let go”

„Give up what hurts and bothers you.
Take the next step.
Jus throw the switch.
you are so close to the next level,
so close to an alternate plane of existence.
Universal Feedom.
Your ego is a lie.
sanity is it’s cage.
Give in and let go, just let go”

But then, then I become aware again,
of how much I love living,
How curious I am of the things to come.
How enjoyable all emotions are,
no matter if painfull or not,
because they are proof, that I am alive.
And I am laughing about the irony in that.
I am alive and well, and not beaten yet.
Not yet, and it’s not going to happen.
It’s not going to happen because I know,
although i sometimes forget it for moments:

IT’S ALL ONE BIG FUCKING JOKE !!

Prelude:

We can asume, adding the vast empty infinity of space and the age of the universe up against the known or presumed number of inhabitet worlds, there is, from a statistical point of view, no life in this universe.
So much for the universes irony.

Life on earth, or more precise, Humanity

Humans are to be considered the highest developed animal on earth, which is, judged by humanities action again a whole universe of irony, if not lethal sarcasm.
But this is not the point right now.

As any animal has one or more special “gifts” as tools of survival, like the bears’ size and claws, or the chamaeleons camouflaging abilities and 360° vision, the human race was equiped with a highly complex and specialised brain.

This brains most important function is to help us be aware and recognise the cause and effect of things happening. To see relations of any kind one must have a point of view, therefore we developed self awareness or in other words, an ego.

Biologically seen the brain is a network of nerve cells, relaying information via electricity, hormones, etc..
By these means our body and ego are informed about, needs, pain and whatsoever. We would refer to these means as feelings.

So for instance, man is used to live in groups or families, which serves the function of self protection or procreation. The lack of friends would would cause an imbalance  in our hormone or biological household and then be signaled to us as the feeling of lonelyness, the need for reproduction as lust, when we haven’t copulated for too long.

The many many needs and feelings that are necessary to keep our fragile ego balanced, our training from birth on how to react and treat to these needs finally forms what we call character.

So as I see and experience it, our character is the way we are tuned in protecting the sensitive electro-chemical balance behind our  ego, our way of relating to the world and make use of it accordingly.

Yes, that would make us biological machines, with basically only one reason to live, procreate to keep our human race alive, and all feelings, our ego, is just the means to accomplish that, and nothing more. There is no soul, nothing that keeps a personality alive once the body is dead.

Is this a cold point of view, yes.

Does it make life less fun to live, does the knowledge of this make the pain easier when a loved person hurts you, no!

I am glad I can see the world as I see it, that I don’t need any supernatural beings like gods, that I don’t need the believe in an immortal soul.
I still love to get entangled in my little pathetic personal problems,
I love to feel pain and joy,
and I also love that this knowledge lets me be aware of the fact,
that however sad or hurt i am personaly,
in the bigger scheme of things it doesnt matter.

Hurt emotions cant kill you,
except when you neglect your bodies needs because of them.

And the only reason for living, in the end,
is what nature wants you to do.
To preserve your race (the human race) and to procreate.

And by procreating not only shooting your sperm in any available hole,
but to ensure a strong, prosperous and improved succession to the current generation.

Thats what our gift of awareness is for,
thats why i still love this cold and often painful life.

And isn’t it the universes most beautiful irony,  that with all that feelings and personal emotions, were still nothing more than natures tool to keep life going on.
So don’t take yourself to serious,
It’s all only a big fucking joke!

(this is typed pretty fast, and not re-editet so please forgive mistakes, ill get to it as soon as i can)

Introduction
A joke to choke on

This is a collection of my own personal thoughts and perceptions of the world around me.

The original is written as a blog, a sort  of internet diary for all you low-techs out there,
or written by hand in a small black book.  So there is no real order, except a chronological one,
most things I write are at least loosely connected to events in my life at the time of writing.

To assure you before reading, I am not at all suicidal, no matter how dark or depressed I may get during the following pages. I am well aware that “IT’S ALL JUST ONE BIG FUCKING JOKE !”, and I end almost every
chapter with this essential conclusion.

With this I have done what no Author should do, I gave away the bottom line,
the conclusion of the book right at it’s beginning, and I wonder how I will close it.

My name is Patrick Hackermueller, I am a male Austrian born in 1974,
a stable middle class kid,
a graphic artist/designer by profession, and an acceptable spare time technician,
unmarried and still without kids.

This is me, at war with the universe, knowing that it’s all one big fucking joke,
but sometimes a joke to choke on ….